Awful Opening Sentence

Did you know there's an Awful Opening Sentence competition. And very funny it is too.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal."

Shoehorn with teeth!

Job application in. Submissions in. Lunch had.

An afternoon of tidying and cooking awaits.

But I'm sure I have time for a little They Might Be Giants danced to by a lego man first...